Cancer Caregivers: the Spouse Perspective Part I

Everyday life does not prepare anyone for a cancer diagnosis.

Where would you learn this?

• Health class in high school? Yeah right: you felt too invincible to listen, anyway.
• Your doctor’s office during a routine physical? Not likely: doctors are too overworked these days.
• Over dinner with your friends or family? As if: try recovering from that conversation killer, “Um, can you believe what our president tweeted today?”

When that diagnosis is given to your spouse—the person you fell in love with and married—even “till death do us part” cannot prepare you for being a cancer caregiver.

In this two-part blog series, we hope you’ll find comfort in reading the words of real caregivers sharing their very real experiences while caring for their spouse. We’ll share their encouragement and local and national resources if you or someone you love is a caregiver.

The Cancer Diagnosis

“My first reaction was shock and surprise—my wife had no family history of breast cancer and she had just finished breastfeeding our (child)!” exclaims Henry*.

Chris’s* wife was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer. “My wife and I have 2 kids. Cancer became like the third child in our marriage,” Chris states. “It was super needy, very unpredictable and could be the biggest pain in the (butt).”

For Tayvon*, “Cancer is a perpetual cloud hanging over our heads.” His wife was recently diagnosed with a recurrence of breast cancer. “I wish I could take away all of her pain,” Tayvon laments. “I want to be in her shoes. I want to be the one with the cancer instead of her.”

Cindy* had a similar experience when her husband was diagnosed with lymphoma. “It was so hard watching him not feel well and not be able to help him.” For her, “I felt like I had to be optimistic all the time, and it was hard to balance this and talking about the bad stuff and the what-ifs. I regret not having the end-of-life conversations with him.”

Day-to-Day Life

Part of being a cancer caregiver also means taking on additional responsibilities—tasks that do not come naturally and/or duties never completed before: cooking, cleaning, yard maintenance, finances, etc.  “We had a meal delivery service bring food to our house and I had to learn how to cook while my wife took care of herself,” states Tayvon. “I’ve had to learn how to get professional help with things like cleaning.” But there is only 24 hours each day to get everything done, and for Tayvon, “I don’t spend as much time exercising or working out because I feel like I need to be home helping my family.”

Children of caregivers are affected, too. “My son was in college when my husband was diagnosed with cancer,” states Asari*. “He would drive back home often—getting lots of speeding tickets—to see his dad, until he finally had to pull out of college for that semester.”

In hindsight or having done so themselves, each caregiver encourages others caring for someone with cancer to ask for help. Chris remembers friends, family, and even acquaintances offering to help, but not wanting to admit his vulnerability by accepting. He strongly suggests “coordinating and reaching out to the right people at the right time for the right things: empowering family and friends to be involved.” His football metaphor: “Caregiving is a team sport which you need to learn to play. You should think of yourself as the quarterback throwing passes and engaging the team (your friends or family) instead of running the ball yourself on every play.”

Chris continues, “I had this friend who brought his family over to help out. He looked past my wife, who had cancer, and said, directly to me, ‘I am here to serve you.’.” Chris was amazed, “He knew that caregivers are often overlooked and forgotten about.”

Are you a caregiver? Do you know someone who is currently a caregiver? Reach out for help or help someone today. We’ll continue the conversation in part 2 of this blog as we explore personal and relationship changes as well as local and national resources for caregivers.

*Names have been changed to protect confidentiality.

Written by Amy Tix, Firefly Staffer and breast cancer survivor, whose husband had to alter his life drastically during her breast cancer treatment to care for her, their toddlers and their home while working full time (Yup, there is more than one Superman out there!).