Intimacy after Breast Cancer

Intimacy after Breast Cancer: Reflections from the Firefly Dialogues

Imagine this: it’s cold (winter in Minnesota), its early (6am), it’s dark, and the alarm is beeping. You’d rather burrow into your blanketed cocoon of warmth than go to the gym for some exercise. You sigh, shut off the alarm, and head to the bathroom. You know that a trip to the gym would be much appreciated by your body and mind in many ways. After another heavy sigh, you put on your workout clothes and grudgingly get in the car. At the gym, the distance from your warm car to the entrance seems cavernous and you want to go back to bed. But you’re here, so you go inside and find the closest workout machine.

You start moving, and feel the familiar aches and pains as your muscles awaken and cry for mercy. You want to quit, but convince yourself that you can do 5 more minutes, then 5 more, then 5 more. Soon, your shirt sweat-stained and your blood pumping, you finish your entire workout and leave the gym with a spring in your step that wasn’t there an hour ago. “Hey, that wasn’t so bad,” you think to yourself. In the car, you blast your favorite music, singing along as you realize how happy you are that you exercised and got your day off to a great start.

Thanks to Jennifer Hierlinger, RN, ANP, for sharing this gym scenario as an analogy for our sexual lives after breast cancer, whether single or in a partnered relationship. Many of us had the opportunity to hear from Jennifer and one another during Firefly’s Intimacy Dialogues last month. These evenings allowed women to ask questions, get answers, and share in conversation.

Jennifer reminded us that, like making time for exercise, you might need to mark times for intimacy on your calendar in permanent marker or set an alarm on your phone. You may not feel like being intimate, being touched, or touching yourself. You may offer excuses, troubled sighs, and embarrassed apologies for your changed body and changing sexual desires and needs. When you (perhaps reluctantly) give in and try intimacy for a moment, it may not feel good or right at first, and it may even be painful. You may have to alter your expectations and change your perception that intimacy equals intercourse. But when you engage in intimate activities, it often leads to satisfaction and pleasure, and you are happy that you participated.

In addition to this terrific analogy, Jennifer shared other helpful information:

• You are not alone if you are experiencing sexual dysfunction and persistent sexual and emotional problems due to the side effects of cancer treatment.
• Intimacy goes beyond just intercourse and can include various sex toys.
• If sexual intercourse is your goal, there are myriad lubricants, gels, and positions that may help.
• Set the stage for intimacy with date nights, fantasy boxes, erotica, foreplay, and by scheduling it on your calendar.
• Consider sharing your needs, frustrations, expectations, and desires with your partner or spouse. He or she may not know what you are thinking and feeling.
• The Twin Cities is host to many sexual health therapists, doctors, and clinicians.
• The Smitten Kitten in Minneapolis is an excellent and unique resource for cancer survivors, with their evidence-based information and specially trained staff available to answer any questions that you may be too embarrassed to ask your care team or discuss with your spouse. Special thanks to Jennifer and Sarah for being present at the Dialogues to answer questions and share information.

The topic of intimacy and sex, particularly following a cancer diagnosis, can be fraught with embarrassment and discomfort. We know it doesn’t have to be, and we are grateful there are so many resources in our community to help women gather information, discuss their concerns, and move forward in their experience.

Thank you very much, Jennifer, for leading our Firefly Dialogues. A Nurse Practitioner with MN Oncology specializing in sexual health and cancer, gynecologic oncology, and geriatrics, she is a wealth of knowledge!

Firefly Sisterhood looks forward to planning more unique Dialogues to come.

Written by Amy Tix, Firefly Staffer and breast cancer survivor.