Photo by Andre Furtado from Pexels
Ten years into their marriage, Davon* and his wife, Makayla, were in the throes of parenting two toddlers when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. “The night before Makayla had her double mastectomy, she said to me, ‘Do you want to make love? Because this will be the last time that you will have these breasts’,” recalls Davon. “This might have been the most gracious thing anybody has ever done for me, and it was incredibly beautiful and horrible at the same time.”
Beautiful. Horrible.
These words—complete opposites—can describe an intimate relationship simultaneously following a cancer diagnosis. In a previous blog post, Firefly Sisterhood participants shared how their friendships changed, some positively and some negatively, during and after breast cancer. It goes without saying that a life-partner relationship can be affected significantly after one partner hears, “You have breast cancer.”
May struggled with feeling ugly and unfeminine after surgery. Her husband, Nathan, responded with love and compassion. “I knew May was appalled by her scars. It was a tremendous act of courage for her to say, ‘Here I am, help me,’ when exposing her vulnerable body while I stripped drain tubes and changed bandages.” Accepting her altered body after multiple surgeries has forced May and Nathan to adapt their intimate relationship to these changes.
A couple’s usual ups and downs can be exacerbated by the additional stress and strain of breast cancer. “I joined a support group and we went to couples counseling,” divulges Makayla. “It was hard to accept that we needed professional help to wade through the effects of breast cancer on all parts of our life.” Oncology and relationship counselors can be extremely helpful throughout a breast cancer diagnosis, treatment and survivorship. Support groups and a peer mentoring program like Firefly’s can help as well. “Now that our marriage has made it through, we treat each other differently—almost with new respect and understanding,” shares Makayla.
For Sheri, a breast cancer diagnosis fortified her already strong 18-year relationship with her partner, Margaret. “There was never any doubt that we would go through breast cancer together,” Sheri remarks. “Margaret was there for my surgery, went to all of my initial appointments, and was really good about asking questions and writing things down, researching information and doing things around the house—even laundry, which she hates!”
With treatment completed, Sheri and Margaret’s relationship has taken on new meaning. “Now we talk about how fragile life is and how things can change with just a phone call. We try to live life in the present and make decisions about how we spend our time, knowing this. We’re aware that either one of us could be gone tomorrow.”
True for any of us.
A tremendous thank you for the wisdom and honesty these couples shared with us concerning their partner relationships. Being vulnerable takes courage; giving these stories a voice reminds others that we are not alone in our experiences. In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along’.”
*All names have been changed to protect privacy.
Written by Amy Tix, Firefly Staffer and breast cancer survivor.
This Is Living With Cancer